Thread:Raventhepersonlol/@comment-39622831-20190816214831

I haven't gone a day without wishing you were still here. I haven't gone a day without feeling this strange combination of anger, sadness and guilt. Not a single day.

And so many of these days, I've really needed you here, Arri, but you can't be with me in anything more than a memory, and those memories inflict more pain than they give support.

I hate feeling angry about this. A lot has changed. I'm a grown ass adult, believe it or not. I went on to study political science, and I voted in a primary election recently. Never in my wildest dreams did I see myself in politics. But a lot hasn't changed. Such as my being slow to anger, yet being constantly angry at you for throwing away your life like that. If you were still here, you'd be starting your junior year, and last night I witnessed my sister doing her Spanish and US History homework, and I cried in my bathroom for hours thinking of how you could be doing those same assignments if you hadn't killed yourself. I would've much rather seen you struggle through classwork than struggle through your illness, but unfortunately I only ever saw the latter.

I know you said I'd be better off without tending to you everyday. Look, it was really stressful for me sometimes and it hurt me to see you going through so much. I naturally take on the role of Living Emotional Crutch simply because in reality, I needed one myself but thought I could cope with my insecurities by helping others instead. It's actually not good for me. But you know what, Arri? It is infinitely more difficult to go through this alone and letting my mistakes eat away at me than it ever was to be there with you. I was happy you trusted me. I was honored to be the big sister you deserved more than the one you actually had. It brought me so much joy to talk with you and share experiences with you. I'd push through my own issues, because having someone rely on me motivated me. But I've realized lately that it isn't just anyone who can motivate me, it was only you. But now I feel useless, empty and lonely. You had your share of flaws, some of them toxic, but I didn't mind. I didn't think you were any less of a person.

You had so much potential, Arri. I firmly believed we could get through it, no, that YOU could get through it. I would have loved to see you flourish and show the world all you had to offer. I wanted to see you discover yourself, heal from the past, and experience life in all the messy, painful beauty that it is. I miss you so much, and it makes me angry.

I've wanted to tell you this for so long. Love, Magic 